I’d debated on posting this for various reasons. However, after careful thought and consideration, I’d come to realize if I truly want to put the past year behind me, I have to acknowledge it for what it was worth. The first step to healing is to admit you have a problem, right?
I felt I lost a part of myself last year. I had become so consumed with the “have nots” that I failed to take everything for what it was truly worth.
For those of you who know me personally or follow my social media accounts, you know I’ve been quite open about my battle to become a mother. At the end of 2013 I began my journey but it wasn’t until after my early miscarriage in 2015 something inside of me changed. I became obsessed with becoming pregnant again. Maybe it was my form of grieving. Maybe it was something completely different. Regardless, as someone who is used to working hard to attain my goals I became consumed with doing everything I could to become pregnant and this all culminated in 2016.
From acupuncture, acupressure, herbs, teas, vitamins, massages and yes, fertility treatments including surgery, it felt like everything I did was to conceive a child. Getting that positive on a pregnancy test, or BFP as all the message boards call it, became my one defining goal. It was exhausting.
My “infertility” battle was sometimes the first thing I thought about in the morning and often was the last thing on my mind that even seeped into my dreams. I lived, breathed and existed purely to get pregnant — this is not healthy by any means.
This obsession caused me to hit what I felt was rock bottom. I was depressed, bitter and just swimming in darkness and negativity. I learned to smile when all I wanted to do was cry. I shut out the “real” me but was pretty good at faking being happy because that was what was expected of me.
I am blessed with a very supportive husband, supportive family and supportive close friends, but I don’t think I was really honest with them about how bad I truly allowed myself to become. Sadness defined me. Though I did have some great moments in 2016 thanks to friends and family, moreover I had a dark cloud hanging over me.
You see, being open about this kind of thing leaves you vulnerable to outside opinion. For every supportive loved one who never ceased to pray for me and continued to encourage me throughout the battle, there were other people who couldn’t help but assume the worst. In their defense, their assumptions weren’t out of malice or anything, but it can still add to the pain to hear doubt in their tone and it hurts like heck to hear me skipped over during future baby planning or “you’re next/I’m next” conversations. Though having children is far from being a race, at some points it felt as if others automatically assumed they’d reach that finish line before me. Why? Did I really come off that broken?
I was in this downward spiral and I felt as if I was drowning. To make matters worse, the hormone treatments, my sadness and my fear to work out after ovulation made me pack on the pounds. I hit a point where I couldn’t even recognize me anymore–both inside and out.
With all this on my mind I didn’t have room for anything else, hence the writer’s block I experienced since last June. Creativity runs dry when you have no mojo left to supply it. I even reached a point where I was entertaining the prospect of taking an early retirement from writing. Don’t worry, I’ve since pushed the thought away.
So where does that leave me now?
The turning point for me happened in early December. I am Catholic and went to confession for the Advent season and there I poured out my guts. For the first time in a long time, I was truly honest with myself and it was really therapeutic releasing everything to God. From the beginning, I’d always tell myself that I was going to rely on prayer and will “let go and let God.” But did I really do it? No.
But that night, something changed to the point I can actually feel it. I truly let it go–all of it.
The obsession, the doubt, the fear, the anger, the sadness. All of it I placed on the cross.
Like the movie Sing says, “You know what’s great about hitting rock bottom? There’s only one way left to go and that’s up.”
And I am looking up toward God.
When all you focus on is negativity, you fail to see the good. Now that my eyes are finally open I am seeing blessings I had not expected and maybe it’s because I’m finally open to receiving them.
2017 is going to be my year to be me again. The me before “all of this” happened. Though I can’t promise you there won’t ever be times where darkness seeps through, unlike before I’ll make sure to open the windows or turn on the lights.
Dear readers, I know I’m behind on writing so I just wanted you to know the reason behind my missing books and how I am determined to finish those remaining installments for the series you have come to love. You all have been so sweet and supportive and I felt you deserved a true explanation behind my mysterious aloofness.
I am blessed so many times over and I’m just finally glad I see it. In 2017 I will focus on all I am grateful for while simultaneously finding the me I left behind in 2013 🙂
One final word to start 2017 with. Be careful who you pass judgment on. Appearances don’t explain everything. You probably don’t know the person’s whole story.